Four weeks ago it was 20Th December 2010.
The past four weeks have been very trying. From the simple basic things that we do on a day to day basis that can’t be done with ease anymore, Frustration, Pain, Heartbreaks, Anger, Questions, Turmoil… all that has happened, still happening, it’s expected. That’s not the essence of this post though. Lessons, Change, Education, and Transformation are what have characterized the four weeks for me. When you hold the personality I am, adhere to the schedules I keep and walk though life the way I did before 20Th December, being locked up in a place when you’re mostly helpless and worried can really change your life.
I have trained my mind over years to analyze situations mostly in attempt to figure out lessons and opportunities that can influence or be utilized better for my life, to make me a better person for my own good and for those whose lives happen to be intertwined professionally or socially with mine. I never realized that my effort to be a better man has never really had a drive as such until this particular incident. From St. George 12, I gathered quite a lot from my being and what I should be in the three weeks I was admitted. Some good life lessons and some hard hitting truths that inform my current placement; possibly some that will shape the rest of my life.
I am a first born kid. The way I grew up has a lot to do with who I am today and how I relate with people. For most of my life I have always involved my family when giving results to something I was involved in, I have done and such; both good and bad. I have always figured my own way towards my successes and my failures. The joy or pain has always been in telling how it came to be. As such I have always been a loner in my journey. I have always spoken to my siblings on a functional basis; which school they should go to, which career they are better placed to pursue and such. My parents have always had a sense of fear I can say. Mostly they take my word when I insist on something, like when I kept telling them I am fine after the fateful blast…until the line became tired and realization sunk that it was much serious than told. In a nutshell I always push people away when I am in the thick of things.
Through this experience, particularly observing my other half’s family I have realized how much I missed out on growing up. For most of it I cannot make up or reconstruct but I understand that family can be there for someone in ways beyond imagination. I am going to try be a better son, and big brother…emotionally that is.
I remember this one time in hospital; I woke up anticipating a good review from my then eye surgeon, Dr. Ilaho. Sleep had escaped me early. Gertrude, a relative of the Mrs’ who works at the hospital even missed me at my bed when she came by for her usual 6AM visit. I had gone to the bathrooms for shower, two hours earlier than my hospital schedule. My spirit was already fine, just waiting for the Doctor’s review. It turned out bad, the eye doctor didn’t show up completely and the nurse’s review showed that I had missed out on the most vital medication for my eye for a whole seven days I had spent in hospital. It was devastating. I was so low. When my sister who always showed up a few minutes to midday came, I was covered in the blankets doing what I never ever do, crying. She froze, panicked and took off to St Andrew’s to ask what to do. She has never seen me that vulnerable in over 25 years she has seen me.
I was brought up to believe in ‘Kufa kama mwanamume’. I have learnt though to involve and basically to allow family to be family, and be part of them. Mrs says my parents will love anything I love and loathe anything I loathe just because they try to know me. Well, I am slowly opening up. If you have a family, embrace them, they usually make number one fans for your achievements and well… Special thanks to my half brother John. He came through. We have always had some imaginary differences through life. I think I left them in 2010 bro. Asante.
For most people I met for the first time, I am probably one of the most social beings alive. In less than seconds I can find so much in common to converse and possibly follow up on; business, mentorship, jokes and such. For those who’ve known me longer I am quite functional.
At a team building session in June 2010, we did some personality tests which for the umpteenth time revealed how much an Executive or Perfect Choleric if you like I am; Functionality. Mostly people in my grouping do things functionally, substance, someone will fit in the jig saw when they are required to. But even with that obvious revelation, I realized I could do much better for and with my friendships. Having someone I know will make good company on a road trip, another for a drinking spree and another to talk about life’s issues doesn’t quite count as true friendships I now know. With these I understand now that I may have locked out many opportunities that would have realized life long friendships. I still identify with friends who have in ways really checked on our progress from blues, KZ and the rest special people.
I remember on a drowsy Tuesday afternoon two weeks ago, I came out of theatre. When I arrived at my bed. Mrs apparently had almost brought St. Andrews and George’s to a standstill with inquiries of what had happened to me. I had left for Upper Hill Medical Center theatre at around 1530 Hrs; the ambulance driver, the good student nurse Sempele and myself, no family or friend as such; just the usual self finding my way around. There was lot of mess regarding my eye as was established by the awesome and real Doctor Onyango necessitating the increase of hours in theatre from the initially expected one hour to about four hours. When I was wheeled back to my bed on a stretcher, the familiar faces were Godwin, the gentleman working in the ICU next door, Getrude (mentioned earlier), Mrs and her uncle Palmer. Sempele was also there ready to give me my phones, lip balm and wallet which I had left her with as I went to theatre. Nobody else I can remember.
Kellie looked really angry. She called Dad, Mum and my sister to tell them I am well…mostly with the people around they were testing the stability and state of mind. So I gave out phone numbers off head. She also called my other two friends to inform them I had gone through the surgery successfully after which we had a long conversation, a very real conversation that probably will shape the rest of our lives. We hardly had found ourselves in a position where realizing what we are for each other is since that blast. Everything from the time of admission to the concern of the entire world that came through for us had somehow put us in a pause position. I later established that she was disappointed in some of my friendships, something I am sadly reconciling with now.
@IamCousCous, one friend I made in 2010 and intend to keep; apende asipende…did a blog post, her first post on word press that talked about her friendships, love, her life and such; while I may not be as bold to deal with truths through writing as she did of her old friends and new found friendships; I can simply say after the blast I have a definition of what friendships should be. I will write that someday, for now there is a whole lot of opportunity to make friendships and be there for others, true and meaningful ones, and I am going to try making and be as meaningful as possible. Many of you have touched my life in one unforgettable way or another…I will stretch my hand to you, somehow…baby steps.
My normal life revolves around work. Most of 2010 I arrived in office by 0630Hrs and left between 2000Hrs and 2200hrs. I was pretty much a workaholic and deliberately killed my social life at some point. 2010 was such a difficult year for me. Everything that cold possibly go wrong somehow went wrong. On 20Th I packed a moleskin notebook that The Mrs gave me in the suitcase to go and write something in it while away. I was also going to literary sit down and draw a plan for my next two years. I remember a blog post I did earlier in December, Playing Checkmate with personal life. I was going to do just that. Identify the key milestones we need to reach in our lives in the foreseeable future and come up with some workable routes to get there. This was to be done together with the Mrs, yeah stop looking at us that way… we are two very particular people when it comes to what we want. This clearly didn’t happen seeing as the year ended with a blast! Literary.
I learnt some lessons while in hospital though. Some lessons that I have failed to embrace through 28 years; Listening, Patience, Kindness, Sacrifice, Faith, Friendship and Love. I know I am not yet the best person to offer anyone anything, but I know I hold the biggest will to try and be a better man with every slight opportunity I get. I can’t say I know what deep meaning to life is. I have asked this question before on the purpose of life in more than one blog post on this very blog…and other blogs I closed up when I was pretty much a rookie. I still don’t know what purpose I have, but I know I have a purpose seeing as we survived the most odd of circumstances. A blast that occurred between Kellie and I. She says it’s like after that blast a whole new life started; most of what was doesn’t really make sense. Looking back at the events that characterized our four months to the blast; individually and together in one way or another seem to have been preparing us for something. Still none of us knows what is and will be but I know so well, the rest of my life just started and the woman I love, my best friend has everything to do and be with it.
I am very scatter brained lately, very, very scatter brained. I am not so sure what has been written here makes much sense, but that’s all for now. This writing with one eye closed can only yield so much. Let’s see what comes in the next weeks…
Thank you for everything; prayers, visits, goodwill messages, listening, guiding, advising, goody goodies… I still will find a way to say Thank you, sometime.